Tale of a Broken Soul

I guess this changes everything. It would have been easier if she just say yes, or if I just admit its not ok in the first place. Then maybe it would've ended in an instant. If I didn't bury myself with all those lies then maybe I didn't cling so hard, so tight, for such a long time.

"I'm fine, don't worry. I just want you to be happy..."

Fine? Who am I kidding? Indeed her happiness is all I ever wanted, even so, I want to be happy too. I want to be part of it, part of her happiness. I want her to be happy... happy with me.

I could've just walked away after that. Pretend like nothing happened, like it never happened. Like a fool I decided to stick around. Convincing myself that everything's ok. Thinking that we're friends and that's all that matters. She didn't walk away either. Maybe thinking that after everything, all is well and we could still be friends. Its my fault, I made her believe that.

"You're one of the best friends a girl could ever have."

It's like a warm feeling that slowly burns away my soul. Its like we're in a circle where she is in the center, while I'm at the circumference. I can revolve around her, but no matter how much I want to be near, I can't. She's near and yet too far. I can only see. It really looks so close I think I could touch it. Thinking that its becoming real. Now, my world only revolves around her. To get close to her I have to break the circle. I have to go to the center.I have to make her see me the way I see her. That's where everything almost fell apart.

"Is it really difficult for you to feel it?"

"I know it already, what's your point?"

My countless attempts to make her feel the same way are fruitless, making me more vulnerable and weak. Also creating a crack in our so called "Friendship". Stubborn as we both are, our conflicts and arguments began. My stubbornness to accept the truth, her stubbornness to see the reason.

"There's nothing to fix because there's no problem in the first place..."

Then for a while there is nothing but cold silence. For her, everyday goes by as if nothing happened. For me, everyday goes by as if nothing really matters anymore. Our stubbornness came to a halt when the peak of our conflict reach its limits.

"I can't be like this anymore. Call me selfish, but the truth is I want to be happy too!"

Finally, she realized it. She can see the reason. She knows the root of our misunderstanding.

"I don't want to hurt anyone, especially you. Ever since the day we've met, to the day you confessed your feelings, until this day, we've become really close. We've come a long way. We've been really good friends. But from that day until now nothing has changed. You're still the best friend that I know who will be always there for me..."

Finally, I realized it. I accept the truth. I know the root of our understanding.

It's time for me to let it go. I'm so lost and now I have to find myself again. I don't know how, I don't know for how long. But one thing is certain, I can't be with be there for her anymore. "Friends" is only a word for us, it already lost it's meaning. I have to be away. I have to move forward without looking back. Indeed there is pain, a lot of pain but no bitterness. Only realization of a bigger picture of things to come.

Maybe this time, I can be at the center.

"I could have just said I found her, Already in my arms reach. But I can't. Seemingly as unpredictable as she can be, I crave for her, more than I could imagine. I was devoured by her. And to think for a second that there comes a time when at last, I know I could touch her. Finding my way to be with her. I collided with a hard and solid wall, the truth. She was never within my reach. We're a world apart. Upon realizing it, I became numb. Insanity has engulfed me. It is definitive, strange, unimaginable. I only saw what I wanted to see. It was too late to realize the difference. I never found her, she was never lost. I could never reach her, she was never there. If only I have... If only I can... maybe, just with a little glimpse she might see. Then I don't need to decipher. I don't need to look for someone who wasn't even there.

There is no light in the morning when the dark cloud devoured the sky, and the earth has been drowned by rain."

It's been a long time, but finally I can say I am free.

Alden this is very nice.And you have a nice picture.